When was it that we were collecting “numbers & queuing” in banks all over Nigeria??! Seems like yesterday. On a normal day, banks in Nigeria are not to be treated with levity. Not to talk of an abnormal day. Or is it those times that GLO will now come with their own palava making online banking hell on earth?!
We have seen enough. Heard enough. Complained enough. Even you will agree with us that some banks in this country should come with a 45secs trailer so you can see what you will get yourself into.
We have collated a few such banks. Kindly read note, and pass. Don’t say you heard it hear.
1) ZENITH BANK
inhales… When we want to start the dissection of banks that should come with a stress alert, this takes the lead. The kind of emotional turmoil they put their customers through is not from planet Earth. It’s like they go somewhere in outer space to cook the stress and then come serve it with fine ceramic china to their customers. Network, zero. Customer-friendly transaction nko, lai lai. ATMs are a mess. Bank app, nada. The only thing this bank has in abundance is land mass. May God help us.
2) FIRST BANK
If you know you don’t like screaming at your phone and scratching your forehead every 5 mins, RUN from this bank. Seriously. This is not a joking matter. First Bank is the best in failed transactions and holding on to your money on the excuse of incomplete NIN registration even after you have registered. Arghh! This bank smokes your head. Their facilities are archaic and they are not willing to
upgrade in this new technological age. In one statement, First Bank is a bank for the old. Only seniors can maintain calmness with them. If you’re a millennial, just run for the safety of your mental health.
3) ACCESS BANK
We have a feeling we don’t have to say a thing about this bank. Because y’all know what’s up. You have heard the gist and the gist has made you wise.
4) POLARIS BANK
As the name suggests, when you find yourself in the banking conditions of this bank, just know there’s no escaping. They will find you and you know what they’ll do. If you don’t want to be scrambled upon in their choky tight-spaced banking halls, think twice. In fact, it’s safer to hug an electric pole than place all your hopes and trust in them.
First City Monument Bank is a bank in which you make a transfer and it won’t reflect until after 4 hours. Talk about embarrassing situations! It is so much worse that the customers of this bank can be handpicked and we have a feeling, even, that they are embarrassed to call the bank their own. If you are in this situation, whatever change you have in there, collect your money and restrategize. A word of advice from us to you as a customer of this bank, never make transfers. At points of payment, smartly use your cards. Save yourself before Iya Risi calls you back to wash plate.
If you happen to be a victim of Nigerian bank wahala, our sincere apologies. It gets better with time. We promise.
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