Just before we get into this, and just in case you are not doubly sure of why we are gathered here today, let me remind you that it’s absolutely not okay that you’ve been single for *insert number of years* years!

If you’re okay with it, we’re frustrated on your behalf. Is it data you don’t have or the Tiktok app? So why are you saying ‘God when’ when you see Tiktok videos or reels on IG? It’s ‘God when’ for the love na. Stop living in denial jare. You obviously want this and we will only know how much you do by the efforts you make.

So, here are a few tips to get you started. You know I always gat you. You’re welcome in advance.

1. Scatter a relationship

Before you start questioning me unnecessarily, let’s be frank with ourselves. That’s what everybody is doing these days low-key. This thing gats go round. You people can’t be hoarding all the fine boys and girls abeg, dem no be palliative. Make the love reach us too. And if you’re the one whose babe or boo gets snatched, don’t feel bad. You also got them from someone. This life is turn by turn. I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted sha. Sending you hugs and kisses.

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2. Hit a stranger by mistake on the road

You guys, they lied! It does happen in real life, just like in the movies. You probably haven’t done it right to the teeniest details, that’s why it’s failed you severally. You should probably start by watching (insert your favorite romantic movie title). Make sure you’re in some place real quiet all by yourself and with a pen and notepad to take notes. I could give you the tips here but like I said earlier, you have to make EFFORTS. Put in the work and you’ll be grateful you did. I’m sure you’ll know what to do after seeing the movie.

3. Join a youth church

I have to be specific with the kind of church. Don’t goan be joining church where the youngest person there is 44 and has 2 kids already. Because I said you should scatter a relationship, you want to advance to breaking up a marriage? What God has joined together? No be me teach you o. Better find a youth church and join. The good thing about this particular plan is that church boys and girls are the best to date. They are so good and loving and you know, not toxic like your ex. At least most of them sha. Whatever you’re doing, no go break their heart o.

God doesn’t joke with his children. Don’t say I didn’t tell you.

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4. Join tinder

All na road. We’re all headed the same way honestly. And the interesting thing is it’s exactly what carried you there that brought the people you’ll meet there too. Shared goals! Isn’t that beautiful? 🥺 You can’t go wrong with this. A little hard work and scrutiny and you’ve got it. We shall be celebrating with you very soon. May you not meet a swindler sha.

5. Hit up your childhood sweetheart

The funny thing is it’s the very thing you people handle nonchalantly that the Lord blesses. You probably just thought it was a fleeting crush you had on that boy when you were 9 years old. Until he started sending you letters and leaving plastic roses with cheesy love notes under your locker. And then you started practising writing your first name with his surname at the back of your social studies note. Sigh. Do you mean to tell me that you don’t know it was your inner future self communicating with your present self then?

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I mean, I understand that you didn’t understand then because you were younger, but what about now that you’re older? It doesn’t get more precise than that, dear.
If you still don’t know what to do after this, you obviously can’t be helped.
Sigh. Really?
Alaye, hit up your childhood sweetheart jare!

In case you missed this: here are other tips to get yourself a man. This is for the ladies.

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contributor

Oluwadamilola is a student of English at the University of Ibadan, Ibadan, Nigeria. She is a creative writer and author. When she's not writing, she loves to read books and articles from which she gets inspiration that spur her own writings. She also loves to cook, and it's a good thing because she loves good food!

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